From Arguments to Agreements: What Every Couple Argues About and How to Reconnect and Repair

From Arguments to Agreements: What Every Couple Argues About and How to Reconnect and Repair

By K Michelle Johnson, Love, Sex, and Gender Center

Relationships are a beautiful dance of emotions, but inevitably, every couple encounters the intricacies of disagreements. Today, we explore the art of moving “From Arguments to Agreements” and delve into the wisdom of renowned experts like Stan Tatkin, John Gottman, and Julie Caldwell.

In relationships, disagreements often stem from common topics such as money, time, sex, mess, and kids, as highlighted by Stan Tatkin. However, it’s crucial to remember that the subject of the dispute isn’t the most significant factor; rather, it’s how you approach these discussions that will define the trajectory of your relationship.

Patterns to Avoid: The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

When engaging in discussions, it’s essential to recognize and avoid the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, as coined by John Gottman. These communication patterns can wreak havoc on relationship. So here is a list of what not to do in conflict:

1. Criticism: Criticizing your partner’s character instead of addressing a specific behavior can be hurtful and damaging. For example, saying, “You are always so lazy and irresponsible” instead of discussing specific actions that need attention.

2. Contempt: Contempt is an expression of disrespect and disdain for your partner. Examples include name-calling, mocking, or using sarcasm to belittle them, such as saying, “You’re such a child, can’t you ever do anything right?”

3. Defensiveness: When conflicts arise, it’s common to feel the need to defend ourselves. However, becoming defensive can hinder productive communication. For instance, responding to a partner’s complaint with statements like, “It’s not my fault; you never listen to me either.”

4. Stonewalling: Stonewalling involves withdrawing from the conversation and emotionally shutting down. This can leave your partner feeling unheard and unimportant. An example of stonewalling is walking away during an argument and refusing to engage further.

Neurobiology and Attachment: The Soul of Connection

Understanding Stan Tatkin’s model of neurobiology and attachment is akin to unlocking the hidden treasures of your relationship. When you really know your partner on this deeper level you begin to develop a “user’s manual” on them.  Attaining knowledge about what their triggers are is a clue to soothing them and meeting their needs on a core level. According to Tatkin, there are three primary attachment styles:

1. Island (Avoidant Attachment): Individuals with an Island attachment style tend to value independence and self-sufficiency. They may find it challenging to express emotions and be vulnerable in relationships.  Common triggers include feeling criticized, invaded, or overwhelmed. 

2. Wave (Anxious Attachment): Those with a Wave attachment style often crave intimacy and connection. They may worry about rejection and seek reassurance from their partners.  Their core fear often centers around abandonment or emotionally dismissed.

3. Anchor (Secure Attachment): Partners with an Anchor attachment style feel comfortable with both intimacy and autonomy. They trust their partners and communicate openly and honestly, leading to a healthy and supportive relationship dynamic. 

It’s important to remember that attachment styles are on on a continuum. Even those with a secure attachment style may exhibit traits of the Island or Wave attachment styles depending on the specific dynamic in the relationship.  All of styles are normal and learning each other styles is a way to help each other.  Never use these to pathologize or put down your partner. 

In my experience, waves tend to resort to criticism and contempt when hurt and dysregulated, while islands tend to resort to defensiveness and stonewalling.  Knowing your own style will help you to become more self-aware and resist these tendencies.  Letting down your guard to be more vulnerable is the key.

Julie Caldwell’s SEW Model: Transforming Conflict Into Agreements

In addition to the valuable insights from Stan Tatkin and John Gottman, Julie Caldwell’s SEW Model is a powerful tool to navigate conflicts and disagreements. SEW stands for **S**ensations, **E**motions, and **W**ants. This is a tool to stay vulnerable in communication. Let’s explore each component:

1. Sensations: Communicating sensations involves expressing bodily feelings and reactions during a conflict. For example, “When we argue, I feel my heart racing, and my hands become sweaty.”

2. Emotions: Expressing emotions involves openly sharing how we feel in response to a situation or conversation. For example, “I feel hurt when you don’t include me in making important decisions.”

3. Wants: Clearly stating our wants and needs allows our partners to understand our desires. For example, “I want us to spend more quality time together.”

Using this structure, couples can learn to stay in their vulnerability and communicate in what Caldewell calls “inarguable truths.” 

Empathy vs. Problem-Solving: Understanding Your Partner

In the midst of conflicts, it’s essential to distinguish between empathy and problem-solving. Remember that you do not need to agree with your partner to understand them. The goal should not be about being right; instead, prioritize understanding and empathizing with your partner’s perspective.  The skill is to be able to hold both your perspective and your partner’s perspective at the same time.  Let go of being in a mindset where either one of your realities needs to be negated. If you still find it hard to understand, you can still empathize with you partner’s pain.  Acknowledging you see their pain and you want to make it better can be the best move if you can’t seem to grasp their perspective.  Take turns expressing feeling in this stage.  Often we move back to expressing ourselves far before our partners feelings and concerns are heard out.  Ask if they feel complete and understood before explaining your experience. 

Negotiating a Win-Win: Planning for a Better Future

After both parties feel understood and/or empathized with, it’s time to negotiate a win-win solution. Plan for how you can handle similar situations better in the future. This step is an opportunity to show care for your partner, address their needs, and soothe their triggers while also considering your own well-being.

Avoid making agreements solely to please your partner. Such agreements may lead to resentment and a lack of follow-through, undermining the long-term health of your relationship. True win-win negotiations involve finding solutions that honor both partners’ needs and desires.

You Are Not Alone: Seeking Guidance Through Couples Therapy

If you find yourselves stuck in recurring conflicts or facing challenges beyond your reach, remember that you are not alone in this journey. Seeking guidance through couples therapy can be a transformative experience. At the Love, Sex, and Gender Center, our dedicated therapists are here to offer the support and tools you need to cultivate a harmonious and fulfilling relationship.

Through our specialized couples therapy sessions, available both in-person in Boulder and online throughout the state of Colorado, you and your partner can discover the keys to lasting agreements, deep understanding, and authentic connection. Don’t hesitate to reach out to us at www.lovesexandgendercenter.com to embark on this transformative path together. The love and connection you seek are within reach, and our therapeutic expertise can illuminate the way. Let the journey towards lasting love begin.