Can Therapy Help If I Don’t Have Spontaneous Desire for Sex?
Often, we find ourselves cloaked in the mist of cultural and societal expectations regarding love, sex, and desire. But what happens when we don’t feel the spontaneous urges that are so often depicted as “normal” or “expected” in the context of sexual relationships? Does this mean we’re broken, inadequate, or faulty? Certainly not.
At The Love, Sex, and Gender Center, we encourage everyone to perceive sexual desire from a broad, inclusive perspective. This post aims to help those struggling with low or no spontaneous sexual desire, focusing on the power of understanding our individual arousal systems and the role of therapy in navigating these uncharted waters. It’s important to recognize that the spectrum of sexual desire includes many diverse and valid experiences, including asexuality.
Let’s start by unpacking Dr. Emily Nagoski’s groundbreaking book, “Come As You Are.” She introduces the “Dual Control Model” of sexual arousal, a model that operates much like a car. You have accelerators or ‘on’ switches that respond to sexually relevant stimuli and fuel your desire. Then there are brakes, or ‘off’ switches, that respond to potential threats or sexual inhibitors, dampening the sexual response. Both these elements work together to regulate our levels of arousal and desire.
Spontaneous sexual arousal is like your car suddenly revving into gear without any prompt; it’s the kind of desire that seems to come out of nowhere. On the other hand, responsive sexual desire is akin to methodically pressing the accelerator, where sexual desire arises in response to sexual stimuli or situations.
Understanding the nature of your desire — whether it leans more spontaneous or responsive — can be pivotal. To identify your pattern, consider what typically leads you to feel aroused. Is it a spontaneous spark, or does it emerge in response to a particular setting or action? Reflect on your brakes too: what experiences or circumstances tend to diminish your desire?
This reflection becomes even more potent in the context of a relationship. Recognizing not only your patterns but also your partner’s can lead to enhanced understanding and intimacy. For example, if you identify as having more of a responsive desire and your partner leans towards spontaneous, acknowledging these differences can foster empathy, patience, and tailored approaches to intimacy.
Importantly, we must address asexuality, which falls within the broad spectrum of human sexual desire. Asexuality is characterized by a lack of sexual attraction to others. Like other sexual orientations, it is not a disorder nor a problem to be solved; it’s a valid identity. And much like anyone else, asexual individuals can benefit from understanding their unique responses to potential romantic or aesthetic attractions.
So, can therapy help even if you don’t experience spontaneous desire for sex? Absolutely. Both individuals and couples can find immense benefit from sex therapy. At The Love, Sex, and Gender Center, we help clients navigate these complexities, whether it’s understanding your desire, mitigating the impact of brakes, or exploring how you can create an environment conducive to your arousal pattern.
We offer both online and in-person sessions from our base in Colorado, providing a safe space to delve into the intricacies of your sexual desire. Our empathetic approach prioritizes your individual experiences and needs, so whether you’re seeking to understand your own desire, learning to navigate a partner’s, or exploring asexuality, we’re here to guide you every step of the way.
Remember, there is no ‘right’ way to experience sexual desire. Your journey is your own, unique and valid, and there are resources available to help you understand and embrace it fully. So let’s debunk the myth of the ‘norm’, and instead, celebrate the diverse tapestry of human sexual desire. After all, in a world full of different people, why should our desires be any different?
